Saturday, August 12, 2023

Shades of you...

On a balmy Thursday afternoon, I decided to step out for some sunlight and groceries. Blue eyeliner, lip gloss, and some jewelry…the first time in a long time I dressed up a bit…to buy groceries! Who cares! Also, never know who you’d meet (I told myself).

As I walked toward the main gate, for some unfathomable reason, I paused and… there you were…with your beautiful black hair and deep black eyes. 

It was love at first sight…one glance from you and my heart was taken. My feet were made of lead and I was frozen to the spot. In that instant, I knew I had to have you…all logic and sense melted away in the afternoon heat.

You moved in with me. The first few days were rough…we had teething problems and I was ready to give up. Well-meaning friends shook their heads “tsk, tsk, Divya. I told you so!” But every time I looked into those deep black eyes of yours, heart beating out of my chest…I fell in love all over again.

Together 24/7, we grew to understand each other. I was a loner, tightly wound, and rather pedantic. You changed me, darling. I learned to loosen up with you…you brought out the little girl in me. You were unequivocal in your devotion…never wavering and never judgmental. Even when we had disagreements and I told you off, you listened patiently.

You gave me purpose. I had a skip in my step for the first time in a long time. I looked forward to coming home because I knew you’d be eagerly waiting for me. I’d find myself watching you sleep and smiling to myself…a lightness in my heart.  

My family loved you…even my rather stern and difficult-to-please mother.

However…

It was bittersweet… I knew that our happiness was short-lived…I had to let you go. As the days passed by, I realized you needed more…and that I couldn’t give you everything. You never complained…never cut back on your love and devotion, but I could see it in your eyes. I realized…to love is to let go.

And, then, just like that, on a Sunday afternoon, you moved out. My heart ached. I felt a sense of impending doom. I felt my world was ending. I was torn. I wanted to run after you and say, “Stop, things will be better. I’ll be better. We’ll figure it out together.” But my feet were made of lead. I couldn’t move. I knew deep down it was better this way…for you.

I tried everything in the next few days to not think of you…but I remembered you everywhere I went. Even with the speakers blaring in a cold, half-empty theatre as I watched Indiana Jones jumping from one train carriage to the next, all I could think of was you…wondering what it would be like to have you next to me, feeling your heartbeat and your little sighs.

I then saw you one day, happy with your new person. Happier than you were with me. And, finally, on a rainy Thursday afternoon, as I sat in a half-empty bar, rain pouring outside almost as if the weather decided to match my emotions…with a glass of untouched beer staring back at me…I realized I had to let go, move on, this was for the best (I told myself).

 

Thank you, my darling, for letting me experience a love I never knew I’d be capable of or deserving of. Thank you, my darling Shadow, for those beautiful 10 days. You are absolutely worthy of the title “man’s best friend.” You were mine…Thank you for showing me I have place in my heart for you. Be well, my darling. Goodbye!     

Thursday, November 5, 2020

Corona’s flipside: Make sure you notice the collateral beauty

After toying with the idea of writing this post for several days…here goes…

It’s amazing how all of humanity is rolling with the punches, how in some ways fighting a common enemy has given way to solidarity, how it’s bringing out the charitable part in all of us, how governments have proactively taken charge of the situation, how local authorities are putting their life in danger at the front lines, so to speak, how companies are actually rediscovering business continuity and exploring options that they would never have earlier.

If nothing else, this forced confinement has slowed down the pace of life making one acutely aware of and take time to notice things that otherwise might just whiz past...almost as though in slow motion.

  • Like discovering a true friend in an acquaintance one never had the time to get to know
  • Like discovering a new skill and mental strength that you never thought you possessed
  • Like hearing the rustle of leaves on trees as the wind gently blows through
  • Like drawing in a long breath of fresh air
  • Like looking out your window into the clear blue skies and being surprised by a beautiful bird that seems to have summoned up the courage to finally come back home

At an individual level, contentment seems to be fighting its way up amidst other heretofore dominant qualities. How long can one be glued to the TV or binge-watch favorite shows? It seems we are rediscovering and bringing back some forms of entertainment, such as chess, board games, carrom board. Spending time with family members. Dusting off the cobwebs from artwork accessories or a long-forgotten guitar.

What do I miss the most?

  • Being able to just knock on my neighbor’s door without sending them running for their masks and hand sanitizers
  • Hearing the hustle and bustle of people getting ready to get to their workplaces in the morning
  • Hearing my neighbor’s daughter shout out her “I love yous” as she runs off to catch her school bus
  • Being able to step into a crowded lift – your only worry, the inadvertent release of flatulence
  • The long queues at supermarkets

What amuses me?

  • The makeshift masks people have begun sporting
  • The sudden surge of YouTube videos with ideas on making masks – even from a pair of socks (hopefully clean and new, otherwise you don’t need Coronavirus to kill you)
  • My by-the-books gate security guard who insists on spraying hand sanitizers at me and scans me with the thermal scanner at a safe distance of three feet somehow believing that my temperature would have shot up in the 30-minute visit to a nearby supermarket

I recently came across a video on dopamine detox – of how you can fool your brain into enjoying simpler things https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QiE-M1LrZk&t=659s

What has changed for me?

I’m pretty much a recluse and my quick fixes are rather limited. To destress, I like going for a drive, going to a nearby mall, going to the movies, getting a drink, listening to music, reading, watching TV, window shopping, order in food, and placing crazy online COD orders only to cancel them later. Since this confinement though and most of these quick fixes being curbed now with the lockdown, I’ve:

  • Started cooking, almost every day
  • Controlled my quick-fix food cravings
  • Started working out
  • Started the process of repainting my flat
  • Completed a long-overdue decluttering
  • Save money!

Who knew it took Corona to finally get all those postponed resolutions going!

In the catchy and poignant words of Helen Mirren’s character in Collateral Beauty, “Just make sure you notice the collateral beauty!”



Originally posted on Cactus' Intranet in April 2020

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Aging

What is it about growing older that makes one take account of one's life?

Why is it a sobering thought?

Why is it not fun anymore to look forward to? Gone are the days of birthday wishes and parties and cakes...

Particularly age in the multiples of 5...more particularly the 20s, 30s, 40s....and so on...what makes you take account of your life at these ages?

Is this what's called the mid-life crisis? Where one realizes all their dreams were nothing but mirages? Where one just views each passing day as a step closer to one's grave?

Is it true that life begins at 40? or is it just something a depressed 39-year old came up with? 

Does your body align with numbers? or numbers and ages just societal constructs? are you really too old to become a parent at 40?

Who decides these things?

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Time...

Time doesn't age you
Sorrows do
They add the wrinkles
Reduce your smile
Dim the brightness in your eyes
Until you are but a shadow of what you used to be
But time is quite harsh as well...goods once sold can never be returned.

Monday, February 19, 2018

From:
"Here's looking at you, kid!"

To:
"Here's me looking at you but I'm checking out another..."

Monday, July 17, 2017

Mirage

A skip in my step, a smile on my face,
Happiness multiplied, sorrows halved.

Mementos of bygone days,
The absence unresolved. 

Monday, February 27, 2017

Despair

In all those lonely nights as she lay awake thinking of what could have been...
There are still tears to be shed...the pillow a mute confidant
And somewhere amidst the silent sobs, she got her heart back...although but a shadow...
Hope, a relentless foe.

Shades of you...

On a balmy Thursday afternoon, I decided to step out for some sunlight and groceries. Blue eyeliner, lip gloss, and some jewelry…the first t...